Offer something of Value
To over-simplify this tool, giving an incentive takes place when we offer them something that they want. Author Laura Numeroff highlights the risk of this type of conversational tool in her book, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” There is a good chance the other person will begin to position themselves to get some greater and greater incentive during the remainder of the visit, negotiation, or friendship.
Common business terms which reference this type of conversational tool are: Free Introductory Service, Gift Card, Secret Information, Personal Gift, or any of countless versions of promises to remove pain or discomfort (real or imaginary).
This mirroring technique feels cheap, but admittedly has its place.
Start with a Baseline
The rule is to start with a baseline of where each person is standing.
If we recognize that we are perceived negatively (with distrust) – take it into account and move forward a little bit. If someone is having trouble throwing a ball to you, step a little closer. Don’t try to make them like you, because you’re not old friends who are going to braid each other’s hair when you’re done. You’re there to play a game of catch, and you have a specific role in that game.
All this adds together to require that modern business people possess real skills to be trusted and liked because they know when to throw the ball & when to prepare to catch it. Know your role and play the game fairly by thinking of the other person as much as you think about yourself.
Confirm what you Agree about
Every friendship starts with a baseline of common experience. This baseline in business is called an upfront contract or working agreement, which is the foundation from which the rest of our conversation is built.
When we recognize that there is something blocking our ability to see eye to eye with someone, our natural instinct is typically to push harder for the other person to understand what is clear to us.
Instincts like this are destructive, and are often why conversations feel like we’re butting heads – because we are. Eventually someone needs to be the bigger person and first listen until we both find a common point.
When talking gets muddy, neither party is really listening to each other, because both are looking for the next opening to get our version of our truth into the other person’s head. This looks like two people in a sword fight who are standing too far apart to make contact with each other. Both may feel like they’re doing a great job talking, exhibiting remarkable form and skill – but nothing is actually happening.
Engage them as they see themselves
The processes by which we create internal expectations and plan for the external reality we’re currently engaged in is a learned skill.
Our subjective experience has a structure, and how we think about something affects how we experience it. The same is true for the person on the other end of the conversation.
Engage them as they see themselves, even when they can’t see it themselves.
Building Rapport
Regardless of the perception or perspective with which we enter the conversation, rapport is the process of establishing trust, harmony, and cooperation in a relationship. People spend time and money with those they know, like, and trust.
Rapport is a description of a relationship in which the game of catch is predictable and easy.
Playing with Perspective
Playing catch with yourself is possible, but it is just practice until there are two or more people involved. We can talk to ourselves all we want, but conversation requires multiple people. Conversation perspectives frame the dance each party brings to the table. A fluid understanding of perspective develops into rapport.
Clarity requires the ability to jump between conversational perspectives at will, as the situation deems appropriate. A proper understanding of conversational mechanics will inform our translation of what the other person is thinking and intending to communicate.
The mechanics of a conversation begin with recognizing perspective.
First Person Perspective
First Person perspective is when we see the conversation from our own point of view.
We primarily live and communicate from this viewpoint. We can only imagine and articulate another perspective by guessing. The first person’s perspective can typically be characterized by the words: “I” or “me,” telling stories about myself, and explaining my own opinion or internal reasoning.
Some get stuck thinking that this perspective is to be avoided as a form of humility. While that thought is optimistically ignorant, the first-person perspective is an equally dangerous place to speak from all of the time. This perspective can be assertive and expresses our own point of view, but the downside is that the first-person perspective is very seductive to live in, and closes our eyes to external views.
The truth is that everyone knows that the “I” perspective is where almost all of us approach our lives. We live in the first person. The trick is to not get stuck in being focused on this point of view so long that we start to believe that any meeting or group is actually all about “me.”
The negative potential of this perspective is told by the Greek myth of Narcissus and turns every other voice into an echo.
Second Person Perspective
The second-person perspective views the conversation from the other person’s point of view.
This perspective can be dangerous because it is largely a guess. We never fully know what another person means and intends. Recognizing this, we may be able to guess the conversation from the second-person perspective.
Our brains have mirror neurons, which help us reflect those we’re talking with, but this is different from seeing from a second-person perspective. This perspective is characterized by using words like, “you” or “in your shoes,” asking questions and listening to answers in order to understand what their words mean. The longer we engage another’s perspective, the more accurately we can guess the “why” of their decisions and words.
If we only engage in this perspective we will be dismissed as fake, because humans are good at recognizing someone who is pretending to be someone other than themselves. Even if we are representing a philanthropic purpose, and trying to help them, we’re each doing it for our own purposes.
In the moments in which we engage from the second person, we’re still engaging as ourselves. Trying to put ourselves in the other person’s position is only guessing. A wonderful tool to understand a conversation from the second-person perspective is to ask the person what they are thinking and intends to communicate.
If prompted, paraphrase what you understand, and actively listen.
Third Person’s Perspective
The Third Person’s Perspective represents the detached observer’s viewpoint.
The 3rd person’s perspective is very powerful when a conversation gets stuck repeating the same cycle over and over, and is typically characterized by words like “from a 30,000-foot view” or “what I hear us saying is.” This perspective is spoken as a witness of what’s happening and guessing how a person who is not involved in the conversation would interpret the words being spoken.
Third Person’s viewpoint allows detachment for us to analyze a situation with no regard for how it affects either party. When conflict or emotions arise, this point of view can restate a previous baseline of commonality and allow the rapidly fraying conversation to cut back to a point we were on the same page.
Becoming caught in this viewpoint for more than a quick realization, and that person will likely be categorized as impersonal, distant, and disinterested in anything other than getting away. This perspective often uses meta phrasing, which uses different words to encapsulate the entirety of the conversation’s trajectory. The goal of using the Third Person’s perspective is to offer a summary and create a new checkpoint for keeping the conversation productive and moving forward.
Relationships are built on Rapport
Relationships are built upon rapport. The internet has removed the need for talking to someone for information, but words on a page or screen are one way communication.
There is an historically justified reflexive distrust that is verified to the customer each time the small print on a screen or page protects the business at the expense of the customer.
Relationships refer, and good relationships make life better.