Mirroring is a human instinct, but there are techniques and boundaries which allow for control of our own superpower. It’s like this is a book from Professor X, training muggles how to use master their own mutant capabilities.
It’s beautiful how we as humans can’t help but mirror what we take on. That is why mixed metaphors (like X Men and Harry Potter used above) feel… off – or annoying. We want harmony with our brain’s mirroring cells. When we don’t get it, our “gut?” tells our body that we need to pay attention to what “feels off.”
Like most instincts, it can also become a skillset with techniques that grow into an art form which is never fully mastered in this life.
Types of mirroring techniques can be matched to your temperament and personality to make conversation more natural and enjoyable.
These techniques are in no way exhaustive (as if there could be such a list).
Mirroring with Words
When it comes to mirroring it is important to understand that people like people who make them feel comfortable.
This is, 9 times out of 10, people who are like them and make them feel safe. Mirroring tools help cushion trauma triggers which pop up during conversation. There is an understandable temptation to use these tools for self-glorification.
This is a trap.
Once people see you are playing them, you will be worse than unknown – you will be a threat.
Use conversation with empathy.
Matching Language
Matching the language of the person we speaking with communicates that we are similar to them. Matching another’s language is a short-cut to commonality.
This matching of language does come with a risk.
If we are matching another’s language in a way which communicates a lie, even something as simple as pretending that we are a part of a social group which we are not a part of, we set ourselves up to be fake. We can engage people from many different backgrounds while remaining authentic. If not, we cannot control how we mirror others.
Clarity is the goal of language – not self-aggrandizement in search of praise. Matching language may even expose that the person using the slang or using an extensive vocabulary may not know the actual meaning of some of words they are using. Matching language also requires active listening to be running in the background.
Just because two people are using the same words, doesn’t mean that they are saying the same thing.
Matching another’s slang is an equally sticky wicket. Slang is often steeped in inference and cultural reference. Slang is a free-flowing game, and it is easy to fall into inappropriate waters when using it. Everyone has a different indecipherable level with which they think slang is inappropriate, and most will not tell you (until it’s too late) that you have overstepped their acceptance boundaries. When this line is crossed, we typically find out after it is too late.
Little will destroy rapport faster than using slang reserved for a certain cultural sub-segment of which you are not a part – even if you think you are.
Beliefs and Values
This could also be named, a politically correct form of mirroring.
When considering beliefs and values, it is important to remember that we don’t have to agree or hold another’s beliefs to value their perspective. If I am a Denver Broncos fan and I’m speaking with a Las Vegas Raiders fan, I would be two-faced to pretend our two teams are anything but rivals. Matching beliefs and values would justify discussing commonality on the enjoyment of NFL, or football players, or even connecting on a third common rival – like the Kansas City Chiefs.
Mirroring beliefs and morals are sometimes dangerous to use in our society, because it is easy to find our way into a conversation on commonality of similar belief or value (thinking we’re on the same page), but before we know it we have lost all rapport. This conversational messiness causes us to appear to have less in common than if we didn’t try to mirror their belief or value in the first place.
Mirroring often happens naturally and is an indication that we have some rapport without the need to cultivate it.
The fact that I think we’re on the same side has nothing to do with whether we are actually on the same side. Many of us, when it comes to beliefs and values, communicate the patterns we were brought up to hold or have held in the past – even though we might no longer hold those values. The values we communicate may be historical habits and those values may be the opposite of what we value today.
These details of social distinctive divides are confusing, rarely completely logical, and almost always tied to deep seeded emotional triggers – especially when a person is offended.
Voice Inflection
Voice inflection can include pitch, volume, pause or any number of “tells” that hint vocally at the intent of what’s being communicated.
This type of mirroring is difficult. There are many reasons for someone to adjust their voice inflection, and that’s before any external forces come into consideration. Is someone talking fast because they’re emotionally elevated, or are they a fast talker, or do they just have a lot to get done? Are their statements made at a steady consistent pace because they are being calculated and measured in their responses, or are they speaking monotone because they’re communicating something specific about your conversation or because they are a monotone communicator?
Sarcasm is often identified with this type of mirroring, but proper use of sarcasm would require an entire book – and even then it would likely not cover all the details required in the use of sarcasm. Sarcasm can hurt.
Sensory-Based Words
One of the most powerful tools in the mirroring toolkit is the use of common sensory-based words.
Most of us process our world through one or two specific sensory channels. Samples of sensory responses are, “I see what you mean,” “I hear what you’re talking about,” and “I feel like we’re on the same page.” The specific sensory words in each of these statements are, “see,” “hear” and “feel.” These sensory words are not limited to our five senses. Many today have a primary sensory channel of thinking or reason. A reply of, “I think this makes sense” is as much a sensory tell as any other phrase.
Even though we all use each of our five sensory types – we are typically drawn to people who use those same verbal sensory words that we use. This not only gives us an immediate “on the same page” status with that person, but it also exposes the internal processing preferences of both parties in the conversation as similar.
When we pay attention to what makes two people “click,” there is often similar sensory styles. We want people to be on the same page as we are, and most of us do not give any effort or thought as to which sensory words we use. We “feel” it when we click, because that’s how we process our world.
If we use another’s sensory word preferences, we will be speaking the same language and put ourselves in a position of being heard with clarity.
Positive and Negative Language
In our world of self-help books and motivational speakers, we have a tendency to think that we are doing others a favor when we ignore negative language and only use the positive. While this may be true for our internal language and self-talk, when it comes to connecting with someone (especially someone who is having troubles) the removal of negative engagement can handicap our ability to connect. Not everyone is having a good day.
The key to this approach is that most people are first functioning emotionally. If we are upset and someone tells us to be happier – there’s a good chance our only next step will be to want to shut them up by whatever means possible so they can’t say that again. Connecting with another is solidifying when we connect emotionally.
Pulling on an emotion is good, but knowing how that emotion connects to a person or priority is priceless.
Mindless Repetition (aka. Automation)
Many of us, especially in business, are convinced that others know what we are going to say before we say it. Typically we assume this because we talk about that type of conversation every day.
People are difficult to converse with, because we don’t listen. Yes, all of us. Repetition is an effective tool to use with people we are having trouble connecting with. With this type of mirroring we repeat the question or statement of baseline agreement whenever we find the conversation has wandered off into confusion.
Repetition is effective, but if we use the same words in our replies over and over, there will quickly come a point when they see that we’re saying the same thing over and over – and this will make most of us feel like they are insulting us as slow.
As with all mirroring – use them with care and empathy.
Silence
Silence is confusing to our culture. We are surrounded by noise and often don’t have time to hear ourselves. Pauses are VITAL! The length and comfort with which pauses are used is an important part of voice inflection and mirroring.
People either appreciate pauses or they are afraid of them. Both of those assumptions of silence make silence an indispensable, yet risky, tool. If we enjoy elongated pauses, and we’re across from one who is nervous when there’s no talking taking place — it may make us feel like we are in control, but we may also appear to be searching or just communicating that they are too thick to keep up with what we’re saying. Communicating the other person is less than, or less intelligent than, us is more than uncomfortable; it can make sloppy pauses destructive to clarity or rapport.
The most beneficial use for silence is to give the other person an opportunity to have their words hang in the air for a quick second or two before responding. Sometimes we don’t have clarity in conversation, because we don’t even hear ourselves. Same premise works on text conversation. If you take a week or more off between conversations, the person will be required (by human forgetfulness) to go back and re-read the previous messages to catch up on what the conversation was even about before responding. Timing with silence is imperative, but adjustable to each conversation partner we engage.
Mirroring with Actions
Much of mirroring is done with language, but there is a subtle science and exact art which is mirroring with actions. If it is done wrong, it can explode a situation, and if it is done right it can communicate a connection that puts their fears to rest.
The fact of the matter is that we all do this (like almost each type of mirroring) without thinking. The purpose of this teaching is not to introduce new methods of communication as much as exposing the types of mirroring we already do (and learn how to use each mirroring method when we choose to use it, rather than by impulse).
Physical Leads
We humans have a habit of mimicking what we look at. This may be done without intent, but… we all do it. Physical leads are the most obvious (and thus the most conspicuous) type of mirroring. Due to this obvious nature, there is a large risk of being exposed as being too intentional during this type of mirroring if we are not measured and careful. No one likes to be manipulated.
Head nodding is a common instinctual method to lead someone with physical motions. While this is less effective when we are not face to face with someone, it still works, because our vocal tone reflects our physical motions. If we are nodding our head yes, it makes those with whom we’re in conversation begin to nod their head yes… even when they’re trying to say no. It also makes “no” harder to say when we’re nodding our head “yes” – try it.
When we recognize what physical reactions we personally default to, we can begin to recognize how our unintentional motions affect what we say. Considering this is such a powerful influencer of conversation, ever so slightly begin to make those physical actions which lead the other person toward agreement. At times it is even possible to physically lead them to resolution.
Physical Proximity
Adjusting the focus and direction that each party is facing and/or the distance between speakers can be used to adjust, and even alter, the perception that positive progress is happening in this conversation. There are times to sit across the table discussing an issue and then, when the time is right, move around and look at the same computer screen or paper for a moment to solidify a point and then move back to a comfortable distance after the moment of close proximity is established. Side by side position evens out the power differential and builds rapport when a power differential already exists.
Like other points of mirroring with actions, these points of mirroring were developed for in person conversation. That does not mean that they are not effective and functional on phone or video conversations as well. Tone, pitch, and volume can replace the physical mirroring of proximity discussed in this section, and at times our physical motions (even when on the phone) can naturally communicate this same mirroring. Leaning in to create closeness can be something that may either create interest and cohesion or intimidation and offense. When we recognize that their interest has stepped in our direction… leaning up in our chair may look over zealous or it may subconsciously affirm their interest and agreement.
If leaning in feels like it may appear desperate or pushy, another proximity move is to take off your glasses or set down/pick up a notepad or pen to infer “we’re getting somewhere now.” Adjustment of physical proximity is natural when the conversation is at an, “Okay. Let’s figure out how this is going to happen” moment.
It’s extremely important to pay attention to the other person’s response to your physical proximity movements. Often we make these types of gestures and motions without thinking about it or because it feels good to us, and then we are confused as to why the conversation changed and we didn’t recognize it. At times these movements may cause a response of surprise and a pulling away or a nod of agreement. Pay attention to the other person. Gender-specific physical attraction/attention is vital to take into consideration here. Physical proximity can mean different things to different people, and can become a huge problem if both parties are not on the same page. It doesn’t matter if there is or is not actual inappropriate proximity. The crossing of a perceived line of physical proximity is an immediate loss of rapport (even when it doesn’t seem like it should be). So… use proximity with caution and awareness. Reality doesn’t matter—just the other person’s perception of that reality.
The Crossover
The crossover (like the name infers) crosses over activities or topics with a physical action – while keeping a synchronization of timing and pace. Examples of this type of physical mirroring would include synchronizing our speech and pauses with their breathing. Another is to tap our pen with each point they make which we agree with. This mirroring technique happens when our actions cross over to the other person’s actions.
Our actions are connected and proportional when we communicate that we are tracking them, and may even lead the conversation toward agreement. If our head slightly turns in proportion with the swiveling of their chair, or each time they end a sentence we tap our toe. It confirms that we are engaging them in our own way. This often happens subconsciously, but can be intentional. We all like to know we are being heard, but we do not like to be copied or mocked. Grace and delicacy are vital when intentionally using mirroring tools.
Reading Eye-Movement
There are no absolute answers here – only hints. Some people’s eye movements are the inverse on every point addressed below and function that way for a number of reasons. This is labeled as “mastery level” because many of us want to know magic insights to another person’s thinking or feeling. These are clues which can be tracked, but are not absolute. From a face to face position, people typically respond with their eyes long before they verbalize their thoughts. When a non-essential motor function is activated, like eye-movement, it is usually in response to whatever we are thinking at the time. This can provide advanced insight to the person with whom we are speaking.
The side of a person’s face to which their eyes look when presented with new information can provide clues as to whether memories or creativity is being accessed. The right side of our brain is the creative side, and the left side typically references our memories.
- If the other person’s eyes look to your left, they are looking to their right – which is accessing the right side of their brain (the creative side).
- If they look to your right, they are looking to their left – which shows that they are activating the left side of their brain which is where memory’s facts and figures are recalled. This can also be true if they look up.
While there are a myriad of reasons we look up and down in a conversation. These clues can often expose which of our sensory input channels we are instinctually taking into account when we are presented with new information. This can also communicate which sensory channel we prefer.
- Eyes are at the top of the body and the top of our face. When a visually-based person is considering an answer, we often look up, touch our eyes or play with our glasses as we think.
- Ears are to the side of the head, which is a possible reference to someone who is recalling something they heard in response to the topic at hand. Often a recalled audio memory will spur us to look to the side of our face.
- Hands and legs are below the neck, along with most of our “feeling” sensory input. When we look down or toward our hands, this can communicate that we are considering our feelings about the conversation.
Guessing what a person is thinking based on their eye movement is not an absolute science, but a tool we can develop and use to stay a step ahead of our instincts. Remember that some people have the sides switched. This type of people-reading is an art, not a science. The illustration below is a quick guide for this type of people reading.
All these mirroring techniques should be considered powerful. Always keep in mind that they are most productive when they are not recognized. Be patient and take your time. If we adjust our body position, wait at least a few seconds before adjusting. If we act like a real-time mirror of their actions, it’s creepy.
We must be true to ourselves. The size and scope of gestures should be matched to the other person. To do the exact same gestures as another person during a conversation is insulting, mocking, and robotic – and they will want to get away from you as quickly as possible, because it looks like you’re playing a game at their expense. Don’t be weird. Be almost, but not quite a mirror. If they are someone who crosses their hands in front of them (and looks like an evil genius from a James Bond movie), for you to do the same thing is obvious. However, crossing your legs or leaning to the side in measured reflection of their motions can be an acceptable mirroring action.
Note that most people do this naturally when they’re truly engaged. Be aware that rapport is a dance. Don’t step on their toes (especially when you are leading). Follow the flow of the music of conversation. Play the game of catch and enjoy the dance.