Hurting people hurt people.
This is as good a point as any to place a reminder that self-control and honesty are vital to healthy relationships. People’s actions are typically on purpose. We may not understand why we are acting the way we are acting, but we are doing it for a reason. Even when our actions carry negative results, the anchors which we drag were dropped in the water for a reason. These anchors are often what psychologists call trauma responses. We picked up these conversational responses for a reason.
People make the best choices available to them, at that time, and if there was a positive result from our response. We file it away as a protective response or anchor we should use next time. Escalation through emotion or threat is a common negative reaction, because the person being triggered is experiencing their fight/flight/freeze instinct to their fear of death.
At that moment, with their history, knowing what they know, in their belief structure when they’re triggered, considering the resources available to them …people make the best choice they think will solve their issue. This is not, of course, always related to the topic at hand, but if we give our energy and effort to uncover the positive motivation which is the springboard for behavior (and respond to that positive motivation) we may find a surprisingly short route to getting on the same page.
People Lie
People lie. Not all of us lie on purpose, but there are some who do. When we feel trapped or without power, a lie is so natural to being human that children do it without ever being taught. When someone lies to you, it does not have to feel personally offensive, because it’s not about you. It’s about the other person’s fear and past experience. If that person is a boss or superior in some way, that can be very risky and avoided.
Like most societies the only thing that is absolutely inexcusable to talk about are the rules we don’t talk about. Pointing out what everyone in the room knows, but pretends that it doesn’t apply to them, or for some reason they are excused. When you bring up this type of topic, people often change into fire breathing dragons which you never thought was possible. People can become very offended when they feel exposed. Talking about someone’s lie can feel like the the book “The Emperor’s New Clothes.”
That type of experience does not mean that you should not address it when people lie, but tread lightly. The easiest route to not regretting a past action is to act graceful and tell the truth.
Fruit Pickers and Manure
This is a tough truth that I didn’t want to believe for a long time. There are some people who are not interested in the common good. It’s not a matter of what is the right or good choice that these people live out, but rather their personal interest is the one and only point of decision which is calculated. Yes, there are also variations of blinding superiority, violence, objections and authorities on god which feed the infection of greatness which is endorsed by silence… but these tools work with any theology or industry.
I call these people fruit pickers, because every time you’re around them you feel like all the good that grows on you is picked off after spending time around them. That doesn’t make them bad, but it does make healthy boundaries necessary.
There are also some who offer manure. It is what makes plants grow, and they are often exhausting. Build boundaries.